The importance of the relationship in therapy, and how understanding this can help you find the right therapist

When people first consider counselling, they often ask about techniques and specialisms - What approach do you use? How many sessions will I need? Can you help with anxiety, grief, trauma?

These are important questions, but as a counsellor, I can tell you something that research and experience consistently shows, it is the relationship between you and your therapist that is one of the most powerful drivers of change.

Long before therapy evolved into specific approaches, Carl Rogers, a pioneering humanistic psychologist, observed that real therapeutic progress doesn’t primarily come from advice or analysis. It grows in the context of a particular kind of relationship. He described what are now known as the three core conditions: empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard.

Let me share what those mean for you, especially if you’re searching for the right therapist.

Empathy , Feeling Truly Understood

Empathy in therapy goes far beyond nodding or saying “that sounds hard.” It’s the counsellor’s active effort to step into your world and understand your experience from the inside.

When you feel genuinely understood, not judged, not fixed, not hurried, something powerful happens. Your nervous system softens. Your story becomes clearer. You begin to make sense of your own patterns.

If, in an initial session, you find yourself thinking, “They really get me” , then pay attention to that feeling, that’s no small thing. That’s foundational.

Congruence, Realness and Authenticity

Congruence means the therapist is genuine. Not distant, not hiding behind jargon, not playing a professional role, but present and real.

As a counsellor, this doesn’t mean sharing my whole life story with you. It means showing up as a grounded, authentic human being. When I’m real with you, it creates permission for you to be real too.

Therapy works best when it doesn’t feel like you’re performing or being assessed. It should feel like a collaborative space you feel completely safe to be honest.

If you leave a session feeling that your therapist was sincere and grounded, that matters.

Unconditional Positive Regard, Being Accepted Without Earning It

Many people come to therapy carrying shame. They worry: If I say this out loud, what will they think of me?

Unconditional positive regard means you don’t have to earn acceptance in the therapy room. You don’t have to be the “good” client. You don’t have to tidy up or filter your story.

You are met with respect and care, even when you’re confused, angry, ashamed, or stuck.

This kind of acceptance can be really helpful and can enable people begin to show themselves the compassion nand acceptance they consistently experience from their therapist.

When choosing a therapist, it’s completely appropriate to pay attention to how you feel in their presence and ask yourself

• Do I feel heard?

• Do I feel emotionally safe?

• Can I imagine telling this person the harder parts of my story?

• Do I feel respected, not analysed or judged?

Different therapists use different methods, for example cognitive behavioural therapy, psychodynamic work, EMDR, integrative approaches, and these can be valuable. But without a strong therapeutic relationship, even the best techniques tend to fall flat.

You deserve a space where you can unfold at your own pace, where trust builds gradually, where progress emerges in it’s own time, through connection.

If you meet with a therapist and something doesn’t quite feel right, it’s okay to keep looking. Therapy is deeply personal work. The “right” therapist is not necessarily the most qualified on paper, they’re ithe one with whom you feel safe enough to grow.

At its heart, therapy is a human relationship. And in the right environment, one grounded in empathy, authenticity, and acceptance, meaningful change is not only possible, but sustainable.

Finding that relationship is not a luxury in therapy. It’s the foundation.